Hansel, Gretel, and Other Nonsense
by Counter Spark
Summary: Some things are purely nonsensical. A tough as nails mercenary secretly falling in love with a crazy girl? A very good example. A Rayne oneshot...all fluffy and good.


**Title: **Hansel, Gretyl, and Other Nonsense

**Author: **Counterspark

**Disclaimer: **I am not Joss Whedon. I do not own anything but the plot. I would say something witty like I'm the version of Joss Whedon that isn't as imaginative and has girl organs, but that would be redundant.

**Summary: **Some things are purely nonsensical. A tough-as-nails mercenary secretly falling in love with a crazy girl? A very good example. Rayne one-shot.

**Author's Note: **Yup. I've been feeling those Rayne vibes, and this is the final result. Read, enjoy, and review if you want to fill me with utter joy. Thanks a bunch! (You should read it now)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time seemed to drag on in the 'verse; the differentiation between night and day completely undetectable by the black that surrounded the crewmates of Serenity, keeping them trapped in the slow dreamlike procession of things. None of them carried the same notion of when a day was over or when a new one began...for some, any amount of time spent in the black was just one endless day, stretching out until their feet touched the ground of some vagrant planet that they aimed to steal from...or as Jayne Cobb so respectively called it, 'borrowing without intent of return.'

To the gristly mercenary, this particular day had been _far_ too long, his only companion willing to spend it with him being his impressive collection of guns and knives adorning the wall space surrounding his small bunk. Lovingly, the mercenary spit on the glinting silver of his prize, Luce, his favorite knife, and caressed the metal slowly with the edge of his oil-stained shirt. She was a real beauty, shining and glinting and glowing. She was something a man like Jayne could really treasure and love in his own twisted and maniac way.

Holding it up to the harsh light of his room and casting a glare towards the ceiling, he swiftly leapt from his bunk and swung it cleanly through the air, slashing through the airy silence with the sound of force. Jayne grinned to himself. "_I can't wait to use you, gorramit," _he whispered lovingly to Luce. To Jayne, it had been far too long since Luce had dripped with blood. "I wanna get you red n' pretty."

He scratched his stubble as he gently and ceremoniously sheathed her and placed her on his belt, collapsing on his bunk once more with his eyes dancing in the thought of a scuffle. That's when he felt most alive- finding himself pinned between a couple bastards and the wall. When his heart pumped with adrenaline; when he tasted blood on his lips...when that survival instinct kicked in and gave him that extra surge of manly power that enabled him to crush almost any opponent he faced. He shivered in delighted reminisce, savoring the all-powerful feel that arose when he could feel his fist coming into contact with an unlucky and unsuspecting jaw.

Taking off his shirt and throwing to the floor in a heap, Jayne closed his eyes and relished in the glorious thought, running his fingers along the leather sheath of Luce hanging trustworthy on his hip and letting his mind take him somewhere far away from the 'verse and it's powerful clutches. He propped up his legs and started to doze off, thoughts of bar brawls and broken bottles swimming pleasantly through his mind.

"Not so tough- boy glorifies himself."

"What the ruttin' hell-?" Jayne jumped up from his place on his bunk and stared with wide eyes at the girl standing before him in a midnight blue dress. "What you doin' in my gorram room, loony brains?"

"Girl's not loony; merely looking for something she's lost." The pale girl lowered her head at him, staring straight through the mercenary with her dark, malicious-looking eyes. The way in which the pale fluorescent light of his room cast a shadow on her striking face was somewhat frightening, her dark hair billowing down her shoulders and framing her haunting yet beautiful face. Jayne shivered.

"Does it look like I care 'bout what your crazy-ass misplaces around this go se boat? 'Sides, what in the ruttin' hell would I have to do with somethin' like that?" He regarded her with a look of anger, his head cocked back as he got a good look at her. "Must be outta your gorram mind."

"Reiteration- I am not any form of crazy; nevertheless I have not 'misplaced' anything of which belongs to me...it was 'stolen', thus it is lost." She took a couple of light footsteps forward, her bare feet approaching and closing the distance between herself and the incredulous mercenary. River giggled, reading the nervous thoughts racing through his frazzled head. "Don't be greedy, Hansel. The house isn't made of candy." Jayne stepped back cautiously and continued to regard her with those wide, accusatory eyes that River loved.

"Atamagaokashii saru zunou joufu, I ain't stolen nothin' from you, candy or otherwise." His back stiffened as he felt the cold metal of his bunk come into contact with the back of his legs, nowhere left to go as the crazy girl continued to walk towards him. The small hairs on the back of his neck began to stand on end. "Now you wanna tell me when you'd got the notion you could come in my bedroom n' accuse me of stealin'?" Jayne added lamely, eyeing her with mounted suspicion and veiled fascination.

She continued to approach, her lithe figure moving fluid-like through the empty space, her small delicate hips moving right to left in a hypnotizing rhythm. There was a coy smile placed plainly on her striking face. "Not an accusation."

Jayne's eyes were fixed on her, her graceful proportions, and the way her slinky blue dress highlighted both of the previous. She looked like something rare..._a blue diamond in a black desert_, he thought. Her pale yet not at all sickly complexion, her rich, dark tangles of hair that fell wildly down her back and shoulders...her full yet taut mouth...it was then that Jayne was hit with the overwhelming desire to get his own mouth better acquainted with the lady's.

Shaking his head, he cleared his throat and tried to convince himself that he, Jayne Cobb, was still in control. Hell, he was always in control. He was the gorram hero of Canton. "And what makes you think I'd be wantin' something of _yours_?"

She ignored his question and took one more step forward, making the distance between them only centimeters apart. Jayne was covered in the shadow of her delicate face. "_A blue diamond_? Poetic for the boy. Girl is flattered." River watched with girlish mirth as the tough man who's nose was approximately 8.39 centimeters away from her own went crimson red, his eyes darting around in befuddled accusation.

He cleared his throat. "I don't know what the ruttin-"

"_Shhhh_," River whispered, gently laying her pale finger on the mercenary's slightly quivering lips. "You took something from the witch...you ate her house of candy. Gretyl merely wants what Hansel took."

With Jayne staring at her in wide-eyed silence, River gracefully and quickly kicked Jayne in the stomach, sending him falling unknowingly backwards and landing with a thump on top of his bunk. Within seconds she was pinning him down with her hands on his wrists; her eyes on his. Her soft, tangled hair fell onto his exposed chest. It tickled him slightly as the girl straddled his waist with her spindly, pale legs. He stared up at her with a mixture of shock and fury shining in his expressive eyes.

"Now Hansel," River whispered calmly. "Gretyl knows what you took."

In an instant, Jayne forcefully gained his wits and shifted roughly underneath her, shaking her arms about but not throwing her off. She was much stronger than he gave her credit for. He was starting to become supremely pissed and confused; like a dog backed up against the wall. But his tail wasn't between his legs yet. "I ain't no gorram Hansel and you ain't no gorram Gretyl! Talk like normal for once, girl! I didn't steal go se from you!" He furrowed his eyes. "'Sides, wasn't Hansel an' Gretyl brother and sister? You ain't sposta pin down your brother!"

She smiled sweetly. Sometimes his anger was so cute. "Under the pillow, I see. Girl finds this hiding place quite uninspired."

Jayne's face went white. It was strange, he thought. How the girl could defeat him with one simple sentence. His heart dropped painfully in his chest.

"Can't be surprised," she uttered gently, leaning forward, "...knew she would know."

Slowly, River reached out towards the mercenary's lone, stained pillow, knowing what was hidden underneath it and knowing full well how much the man underneath her dreaded this very moment. It was too much joy for River to take; she uttered a high pitched giggle and stopped mid-reach, beaming down at the defeated-looking man directly below her.

Jayne growled at her and shifted again underneath her in a last-ditch effort. It was of no use. His body went still in defeat, and he closed his eyes. "Get it done then," he muttered, casting his blue eyes away from the crazy genius. "No point in drawing things out- genius knows everything about everyone. Takes all the fun out of everything- what in the hell are you grinnin' at?"

River smiled cruelly and let out a girlish squeal. "You, silly."

Quicker than Jayne's eye could follow, River darted her hand towards the pillow and tossed it roughly to the side, uncovering what she'd been looking for all along. She smiled warmly at it and slowly looked back at Jayne. "My sketchpad."

He continued to look away ashamed. He didn't know how she did this to him...he couldn't remember the last time a woman, or anyone for that matter, had made him feel so powerless. Jayne was speechless as he could feel her reaching towards the item, her legs scooting off of him and instead sitting beside him with the sketchpad in her folded arms. She held it protectively, like a child.

"Why...why does he take what isn't his?"

He continued to look away.

"He won't look her in the eyes. Not manly enough."

Quickly he turned to face her, his eyes livid and alive with emotion. "I am not going to talk to you if you keep talking like that...if you keep speaking in third person. It's like you're above me or some go se like that. Everyone else puts up with it, girl, but I sure as hell won't."

"First person makes girl feel vulnerable."

He stared her plainly in the eyes. "And marchin' into my room and causin' a scene doesn't make me feel a little less-than-peachy?" He sighed heavily and cast his gaze away from her once more. "Okay, you win. You caught me. Now go and leave me in peace," he groaned.

River found amusement at her mercenary's slumped and defeated form...he never backed down from anyone, or at least if he had she never had the pleasure of witnessing it until now. It made her feel closer to him. "Girl will cease third person if boy is truthful." She stared at the back of his head. "This would require speech."

She watched as he turned around slowly, meeting her eyes with masked-hesitance. "What's the point? You can just read my thoughts and go your merry way."

"No- _I _will not do that to _you." _She giggled lightly and raised her eyebrows. "First person."

He smiled, slightly abash. "I didn't know you were capable, ya loon." He regarded her with an unreadable look. "Now what in the ruttin' hell do I have to tell you to make you go away?"

Her eyes pierced through him. "The truth."

He crossed his arms. "Fine. I stole you little doodle-pad." He looked up at her defiantly. "Happy?"

"I already knew that."

"Well hell, I already knew that you already knew that. Which makes this whole thing pointless." He stood up angrily. "You know girl, I think it's time you left."

"You love me."

The repulsion and utter horror on Jayne's face was truly amusing to River, causing her to force down a slew of delighted giggles. His mouth was open wide in horrendous shock. "What the...? That go se's impossible!" He laughed unusually loud. "Me. In love. With you? The crazy one? I don't think so, girl. I can imagine how disappointed you are, but it ain't true and it ain't possible."

Her face stood unmoved. "Then tell me, Jayne Wayne Cobb, why is it true?"

He was much slower to respond this time, his face going unnaturally red. "How many times do I have to tell you, girl? It ain't true."

Immediately, River stood to face him, all humor devoid from her voice. "Then why did you steal my sketchpad?"

He faltered for a moment, but hid it in true mercenary fashion. "I was interested in what the hell a loon like you likes to doodle in their free time."

"_Not_. _True_." She stamped her feet. "Not true at all!"

"Well hell then, tell me the truth if you think you know what it is." He was visibly becoming upset, realizing that he was directly being challenged. "Tell me, River!"

"You are fascinated by me." River spoke quickly. "You watch me, you think about me...you're in love with me." She didn't back down from him an inch as he spoke, looking into his eyes and standing close to him in defiance. "You saw my sketchpad lying around and you couldn't help the overwhelming desire to see into my mind- to know what I see." River drew closer to him. "That's why you stole my sketchpad...you treasured everything in it because it made you feel closer to me...a part of me...you're in love-"

"Shut. Up." Jayne silenced her by placing his finger on her lips. River could feel it trembling.

"You told me to tell you the truth-"

"Shut up!" He shouted angrily as he picked up a stray knife from the wall and threw it clankingly to the ground. "Get the hell out of here," he spoke heavily, turning his back to her. "You have _no _gorram right!" He kicked the bunk.

"But I do, Jayne..."

This was the plainest Jayne had ever heard River talk- free of metaphors and third person and nonsensical strings of words. It caught him off guard.

"...and I'm right. You stole my sketchpad because you are in love with me." She paused. "No one's looked at those sketches...no one ever...all too scared to know what's inside."

Jayne paced slowly around the room with his back still completely turned to her. Suddenly he turned around to face her, throwing his arms up into the air. "What do you want me to say?" Jayne asked her gruffly. "There's no point in any of it. You know everything. There's no reason for me to say a gorram thing-"

"But there is!" River turned her back to him and embraced the sketchpad closer to her. "These are parts of me, the sketches. Of things I can't say, of things I don't remember, or don't think I remember, or things that aren't me, or things _they _made me see...," River paused and fell to her knees, clutching her sketchpad ever tighter. "Jayne looked at them, now he knows. He knows," she murmured to herself. "No longer will he call her 'crazy' lightheartedly...he _knows..."_

Brokenly, River retreated into her own darkness, burying her head in her knees and rocking back and forth, violent images arising and filling her with pain and dread and terror. She was apart from him now; the mercenary before her. She was apart and she would never be back- she couldn't be back. She started to cry.

Then, she felt hands- warm, strong hands- holding her still. The feel of warmth was enough to take her almost bodily out of that world- the darkness. "Now don't go and do that," he said roughly. She watched him with tears shining in her eyes. Jayne brushed a loose hair out of her face. "That's not who you are, girl."

River sniffled and bit her lip.

"Now, you've gone and revealed me and all that, but don't start thinkin' I'm some softy. Just...don't do that. It scares the go se outta me."

They sat there on the floor, the two of them, staring at each other in complete peaceful silence. River traced the movement of his eyes, first on her face, then to the loose hairs all over her face that he gently brushed out of the way with a tender finger. She could hardly believe it. Squealing, she quickly jumped into Jayne's bare chest and buried her dark head into it, resting her cheek against his beating heart. Hesitantly, and with huge, disbelieving eyes, he closed his arms tightly around her and whispered in her ear:

"Those doodles were gorram beautiful. Most beautiful drawings I've ever seen...not crazy at all."

She smiled against his chest.

"True, some were a little...startling...but they were all so powerful and hitting and all that go se."

River ran her finger across the jagged slash of pink skin on his chest- the scar. "I did that," she said simply and sadly. "I put you in red."

"And you gorram well ought to have," he grunted. "I was gonna sell you over. I was gonna give you up." He paused. "I was a gorram fool."

She snuggled tighter to him. "You've been in love with me the whole time. Why would you sell over something you love?" She continued to run her small finger across the long scar.

"You know the answer."

"But I want you to tell me."

"Fine," he said, running his fingers through her hair. "You were driving me crazy. Gorramit girl, I didn't really know it all until now, but I guess I have...held a flame o' sorts for you. With your brother hanging around all the time and people treating you like precious cargo, I thought it was morally wrong to like you I guess. I don't know. You say what I'm thinking a hell of a lot more nice and poetic than I can." He laughed. "When I say it, it sounds like a load of go se."

"Not go se." River held onto his bare chest tightly. "Not go se at all. The most truthful thing girl has heard in a long time."

"Hey," he grunted, now speaking into her pleasant-smelling hair. "Don't go back to third person on me."

She chuckled into the cozy nook of his shoulder. It was at that moment that River looked up, gazing with those orb-like, all-seeing eyes into Jayne's alert and smooth ones, two pairs of blue meeting and not wanting to part whatsoever- they found themselves staring into one another's eyes for what seemed to be eternity, not wanting to rip themselves away from the moment. Jayne spoke, still staring into her eyes.

"You got pretty eyes, d'ja know that? They're like...two pools all glimmery and sparkled and all that go se." Jayne laughed at the small smile on her delicate face. "I say 'go se' a lot, don't I?"

"And 'ruttin' hell'," she said, grinning and attempting to mock his gritty voice. "And 'gorramit', and other obscenities." She paused. "In fact, you talk a lot. My brother calls you obnoxious, although I disagree," she stated with a serious look.

Jayne furrowed his eyebrows. "Your brother doesn't know his ass from..." Jayne's eyes thoughtfully went to the ceiling for a quick moment before returning to her drawing eyes. "...Well, I can't think of anything witty, but he's not my favorite person." He smiled at her. "That doesn't piss you off, huh girlie?"

"Not at all."

Finally, as if it had been building up in her since the moment she walked into his small and cramped room, she stared deeply into his eyes and quickly shot up from the protective nook of his chest to his lips, holding his rough and stubble-strewn face in her small and delicate hands, placing her lips on his, breathing in his strange yet oddly alluring scent of sweat and pepper. She could feel him relenting against her, for once deciding to not listen to his thoughts, letting them remain sacred in his own mind...they were his- they were precious, and she focused all of herself into the kiss; the passionate kiss. She didn't need to know what he was thinking- it was all there, all in the kiss.

Jayne's heart was racing in his chest as he wrapped his strong arms around her, pressing her closer to him and kissing her with everything he had. His mind was gone, all logical thoughts or notions thrown to the wayside for the mere fact that every fiber and concentration of him was on _this, _and it was all he wanted be consumed in. She was his everything now- of course he would never admit that- but she was suddenly taking a whole new role in his disorganized and insane life. No longer would his feelings for her be associated with guilt or shame for loving the genius. He wouldn't have to steal her sketchpad to see into her world- he was in it. And he had never been a part of something so precious and exotic and beautiful. _God, _he wondered as the kiss broke and she was breathing against his cheek, _I love her more than Vera._

He turned to her once more and locked lips with her, kissing deeper than before and closing his eyes tightly. She giggled happily into his mouth and ran her giddy and eager fingers against his bare back...

That's when they realized the person standing against the doorway, eyes wide and mouth gaping. Mal bit his lip. "Oh holy hell."

Jayne bolted upright and stood at attention, tugging up on the waist of his pants and trying his hardest to look like he had not just been huddled on the floor in a very provocative pose with the ship's basket case.

River smiled warmly at Mal and waved. "Hi, Mal."

"Uh..." He crossed his arms and tried unsuccessfully to mask the highly disturbed look on his face. "Uh...please someone, tell me what I just witnessed was not highly wrong." A look of clarity went across his face as he walked up to Jayne and backed him up against the wall. "Don't tell me you're taking sexual advantage of our genius here, because if that is the case I will knock the living tar out of you, Jayne."

"No," River said calmly, still sitting with her legs crossed on the floor. "Mutual agreement."

Mal slowly turned to face her, his eyebrows high and his eyes wide. "You mean to tell me you actually wanted to kiss this dirty, hulkin' thing? He don't even smell good, River-"

"Hey! I smell great!" Jayne looked hurt. "I _know_ I smell better than you, Captain." He cleared his throat and tried to mask the fear rising in him at the disdainful glare Mal was shooting him. "I mean- on certain days...some days you smell lovely, Captain."

River laughed girlishly on the floor, smiling widely at her blushing mercenary. "He's lying, Mal. Thinks you smell like cow dung."

Jayne's eyes went huge, darting between River and Mal in muted terror. "What-? No, doesn't know what she's saying...crazy and all!" He laughed nervously as he discreetly flashed River a look of death.

"Well, whatever the case is, if River says she was doing this willingly, which by the way I find _quite_ hard to believe, the secret's safe with me I guess." He advanced on Jayne. "But if I ever catch you sayin' I smell like cow dung I'll throw you out of this boat faster than you can say 'reaper', got that?"

"Yes- yes sir." Jayne shifted uncomfortably as Mal backed away from him, his hand on his holster. "Which, might I add, you smell like flowers today."

Mal chuckled and looked towards River, giggling on the floor. "Is he telling me the truth?"

Bursting into a mad fit of laughter, she shook her head and smiled at Jayne. "Farthest thing from, Captain!"

"I figured." Mal once again flashed Jayne a look of pure murder as he bent down to talk to River. "Tell your mercenary that the next time he wants to bullshit me, be good at it." He ruffled River's dark locks with his hand and stood back up. "I'll be seeing you later, Miss Tam."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Bye, Captain!"

As soon as Mal had left the room, Jayne approached River with disbelief shining in his blue, expressive eyes. "I can't believe you just sold me out to the captain, you crazy girl!" Even as he said this, though, he couldn't help but smile at her, bending down beside her and scooping her into his strong, warm arms.

"Captain didn't need to hear from me- it wasn't written all over your face!" River laughed happily into his chest as he lifted her up in his arms, throwing her hands around his neck. "Doesn't need a physic to tell him what's obvious!"

Jayne had had the overall intentions of scolding her or telling her off, but he found himself helpless as he looked into her eyes, bright and all-knowing and beautiful. _Like blue diamonds_. He sighed, a look of careless content seeping into his dreamy eyes. "God I love you." Instantly, he cast a nervous glance around the small confinements of his room. "Don't ever tell anyone I told you that, hear?"

She kissed him quickly on the lips, parting much faster than he would've preferred. Apparently, it was written all over his face as River giggled. "Mercenary loves me." She cocked her eyebrows. "Mercenary loves me? _Me?" _

Jayne dropped River on the bed as she bounced with a look of confused glee on her face. "Wait a minute...the mercenary loves me? This can't be true!" She was speaking much louder now, in a sort of shout, as she squeezed Jayne's pillow in her arms. "LOVES ME?"

His eyes went huge as he cast a glance around the room. _"Keep that voice down, you loon!"_

Mirth was now dripping from her eyes. "Jayne Cobb is in love with me? River Tam? Blasphemy!" She was nearing a scream in the volume of her voice.

Jayne looked frazzled as he jumped in the bed next to her and cupped his hand over her mouth. "_What's it take to shut you up, gorramit_?" He whispered in a hurried, hushed tone.

She shrugged with wide eyes and laughed into his palm.

Smirking, Jayne quickly removed his palm and planted a large, passionate kiss on her lips, drawing in her scent and making her melt slowly and slowly until he felt the giddy excitement drain from her and turn to pure, calm romance. He pulled away. "I knew that'd work."

Looking dreamy and contented, River stood up from his bed and walked towards the metal ladder leading up to the bridge of Serenity.

Jayne's heart dropped as he felt oddly akin to a sad puppy. "Where ya goin', girly?"

She turned around, a sly look on her face. "I'll be back later. I'm just going to tell Simon about all of this. Mainly the part where you told me you loved me. I think that was the highlight of this afternoon..."

"What-? Wait, no, come back!"

But she was gone in an instant, her lithe figure climbing the ladder and dashing out of sight like a flash of blue. Jayne, jaw dropping to the floor, fell backwards onto his bunk and stared at the ceiling, half-filled with fear and half-filled with a nauseous sort of joy. He smiled and hesitantly laughed. "She'll be back."

And he was right.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: **Yep. That was that. Not much too it, just sweet and fluffy and yummy to the tummy. Hope you liked it and all...I just wanted to capture that innocence that I think exists in the Rayne realm...the way River is the only one that can melt Jayne's rough heart. I love it! But anyway, yeah, if you liked it, you know...there _is _a way you can tell me. It's this crazy new technology they've invented called reviews. I hope I'm saying this right, it's brand new. You should check it out. (R & R FRIENDS!) K, bye.


End file.
